The Office Worker Survival Guide
16 June 2017
We don’t need to tell you that it’s a jungle out there. Office life can often feel like you’re those little iguanas on Planet Earth, just waiting to get eaten by a racer snake. Yes, your working day can be fraught with danger – from avoiding the latest office illness to trying to change the toner cartridge, there’s no end to the worry and stress.
But, fear not, because we have very generously come up with a survival guide to help you through the day. As a singing fish once said, don’t worry, be happy.
Disclaimer – Taking our advice may result in disciplinary action at work.
Stress kills, okay? The last thing you want is to gain a few more crow’s feet and grey hairs. Cover your desk in paperwork (be it post-its, reports or to-do lists) in order to look super busy at all times. That way, people are less likely to approach you to do more work.
Just say no
This fits in with our first point about stress. Never agree to meetings or interviews straight away. Always pretend to consult your diary (paper, online or imaginary) and say that you’ll “try to squeeze it in”. This gives the impression that you have a heavy workload on.
Find a cupboard
There will no doubt be several times during your career where you will need to cry / swear uncontrollably. We suggest that you earmark a cupboard early on where you will have the peace to do so. Make sure it’s far enough away from senior management so they won’t hear your efforts.
Become a hypochondriac
That sore throat could definitely become the ebola virus very quickly – best just to stay in bed to sleep it off. There’s no sense infecting the rest of your colleagues when all it would take would be a duvet day and Netflix to feel better. Go on, practice your sick voice.
Eat al desko
Why get up 20 minutes earlier than is necessary when you can have your breakfast at your desk? Nothing says considerate colleague like a roll and egg stinking up the office. Better yet, eat your lunch there too so you look like the dedicated employee you are (after taking your hour elsewhere, of course).
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Agree with your colleagues on a pace of work that will make you all look good. There’s no sense filling your desk with unnecessary paper if Janine on the next desk is going to rattle through a week’s work in one morning. Help each other out.
If all else fails …
Actually turning up, trying your best and working hard might actually take your career further. Just saying.
Written By Mary Palmer